Male-Female Friendships

Those who know me best know that I really don’t do conflict well. Though very opinionated, I shy away from what will bring too much offense or rock anyone’s religious boat. But recently, I made a new commitment to express myself without all the fear. So…here goes!

The subject of intimacy is still continuing to swirl around in my head and I am reading several books that are feeding the frenzy: Desiring the Kingdom by James Smith, Original Blessing by Matthew Fox and Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions (SUSP) by Dan Brennan.  

I have intended for months to write a review on Brennan's book, but kept procrastinating. Admittedly, its controversial subject matter probably has something to do with it. SUSP champions cross-gender friendships for singles and married folks. Dan truly is a voice crying out for balance and sanity in the evangelical world of fear. His premise is simply that “Romantic intimacy is not everything”. When romance is the only script for our relationships, it leaves them one-dimensional, shallow and, I believe, less than G-d desires for vital and healthy Christian communities.

I have shared his book with a handful of my closest friends, those who know me best and are committed to working out community together. Largely, however, I have kept this all under the radar. This has not been an easy topic for me to embrace for reasons I would rather not go into here. But Dan’s recent blog post is bringing me out of the closet! He is finally touching on the thing that has been getting under my skin for years now – the way that singles in the church are expected to understand, process and experience intimacy. Suffice it to say, I cannot ignore Brennan's challenges to look to the biblical and historical evidence that offers a more complex and thorough picture of what singleness could look like. 

One of Dan's most compelling points for me is his look at Freud’s influence on our romantic culture, which has resulted in a tendency to sexualize all of our relationships. This entrenched idea has made it difficult to explore other scenarios for healthy cross-gender relating. If there is a level of attraction, romance seems to be the only option. If there is no romantic potential or legitimate reasons why a romantic trajectory can’t or shouldn’t happen, the relationship isn’t nurtured. The default is to pull away in fear because people just don’t know how to maneuver attraction.


Also important is Brennan's serious look at how Jesus navigated his relationships with women. For example, most of us would be extremely uncomfortable if we were witnessing some of the intimate scenes in which Jesus allowed himself to be with women. Most of us would cry foul and scream all manner of warnings to this single man who allowed touch and extravagant emotion to be poured out to him. To be single in today’s evangelical world is to be so afraid of sexual sin that we ignore the sexual nature of our humanity – denying touch and emotional closeness to one another. The single Jesus didn’t do that, so why do we think we can?


When Jesus prays in John 17 that we may be one like he is one with the Father, does he just mean married folks? When we read about the Trinity and imagine what their dance of unity is like – that interplay of vulnerability and beauty – is it implied that singles just miss out? I want to lift my voice with Brennan’s and shout – NO.

As a single woman in an evangelical setting, I feel a real tension about this topic. I know that it is not good for us to be alone, but filling my aloneness goes way beyond the need for occasional companionship. I have lots of friends….lots. But I need intimacy with others – women and men - and I don’t believe G-d intends for me to be left out of emotionally rich relationships because I am single. To be honest, I am getting really tired of the shame singles feel when they express desire and longing for intimacy. We (singles) are told that Jesus is enough to meet our needs and that these feelings must be repressed until a romantic partner come along. 

Once again I must ask, "where is it written?”

I think Brennan is on to something when he suggests that maybe there is so much sexual sin because we have not learned to relate in healthier and more complete ways with one another. 

I am not saying it is easy. Nor am I saying that there aren’t some tricky things to navigate. But what I am saying is that if anyone can get it right, it is us – those of us that are filled with the Holy Spirit and commanded to love. If anyone should struggle to figure this out, we must – those of us who are born from the perichoresis into the dance of community, with the Trinity and with one another.